Here's what happens when I don't get enough solitude and I don't write: I become a raging grump-muffin. What is a grump-muffin? Well, a grump-muffin is not nearly as dangerous to others and self as a raging bitch. While a grump-muffin appears warm, cuddly, and loving on the outside, a grump-muffin is often anxious, stressed, and hurting on the inside. At their worst, grump-muffins destroy themselves from the inside out when their basic needs and values are not being respected. For me, those basic needs include solitude, quiet, and creative expression (writing).
I don't want to be a grump-muffin. So I'm writing again; both here on my blog and in private journals that may or may not turn into publishable material. Now I feel more like a blueberry or cranberry muffin than a grump muffin. Maybe I'm even some decadant coffee cake muffin with gooey frosting. Oh jeez, maybe I'm a fruitcake! Ah heck, I don't care. I am what I am.
Recently I had an epiphany. Everything I need to write great prose for myself, good technical documentation at IBM, kick-ass marketing materials for my business already exists inside me. It isn't sitting on a shelf on my desk. I've been distracted by a lot of psychic noise created by all the stuff on my desk, all the email in my inbox.
The inspired action that came from my epiphany was to clear my desk of everything except my computer and a few pens. In a 15-minute cathartic release last month, I retrieved all my technical writing books from my bookshelves and threw them out. I asked myself, "Self, when was the last time you looked at this technical writing reference book?" Answer: In most cases, it's been about 5-10 years since I've consulted a technical writing reference book. Then I said, "Self, you have been a tech writer for nearly 20 years. You know what you're doing. If you have a question, you know where to find the answer. These books are contributing to your intellectual cacophony and feelings of overwhelm. Ditch them."
I ditched them.
More importantly, I ditched all thoughts that if I'm not writing stuff that makes me money, it's not worth writing at all. I revived a 4-year old book idea, and dammit, it's going to get written now. I don't know if the final product will be a published book or scrapbook for me to admire and frankly, I don't care. I'm writing because I must. I'm writing because it's who I am and what I must do to be whole and healthy.
Interestingly, my recent disattachment (is that a real word?) from technical writing has made me a more enthusiastic and efficient tech writer. Hmmm...is there a nugget of wisdom in this? How do I apply it to my baking business? Can I possibly find a way to unattach to outcomes AND build a booming business simultaneously?
My gut tells me the answer is yes. My Self confirms the response. I have no clue how one does this. And my Grump Muffin says, "Self, how the heck do you intend to build a business, work your full time job as a tech writer, stay healthy and fit, take care of your family and clean your house, and write just for the heck of it in your spare time?"
"Shut up," I say. Then I smile and say, "I have no idea how to do much of anything. Isn't that wonderful?"
Caroline Myss, well-respected medical intuitive and author, often says that the most heavenly-inspired ideas are the ones that we have no clue how to do. Our intuition tells us something is brilliant, something must be done, and we don't have any idea how to work it out. If we are committed to the passion that surrounds the idea (at a cellular level - i.e., you have to feeeeeeel it, it's not enough just to say it), the "hows" will make themselves apparent as the journey progresses. As in labor and childbirth, trusting the creative process that unfolds without attaching to the outcome is essential to success and good health. When I personally don't run with an intuitive hit, I turn into the grump-muffin. And while I don't hate the grump muffin, I'd like her to take a little vacation right about now. She can come back every now and then to remind me that she has an important message for me.
So, I'm not ditching Vermont Shortbread Company (on the contrary, I am more excited than ever about the little baking business that could...), I'm not ditching my full time job, and I'm going to be blogging a lot more. I will be taking more quiet time alone to write whatever tickles my fancy just because it turns me on and provides me with fuel for the rest of my life.
Luckily, I have an amazing support team. Some of them provide inspiration and insight. Some provide business services. All have amazing senses of humor and outrageously generous hearts. All help me find the time and energy to be still so I can fulfill my own life's mission. Some of these people I've never even met in person! All are equally awesome. Here are the people who inspire me most (in no particular order):
This is such a rich and passionate post - thanks for sharing the grump muffin-to-inspired muffin process.
Cynthia
www.cynthiamckenna.com
Posted by: Cynthia McKenna LPC, NCC | October 08, 2006 at 06:24 PM